From: WB & DF
To: Mitsi Schneider, MSA Public Relations
RE: interviews, etc.
Date: December 6, 1999
Hi Mitsi -
Just wanted to give you an update on how the interviews are going so far from our perspective. As you know, this is an anxious time for us as we await word on the Hall of Fame induction/rejection, so if our comments seem a trifle pissier than usual, you will of course understand.
Set and setting - very important psychological concepts of which we are all aware. So far we have done interviews in four different offices at MSA, finding ourselves moved from room to room in the course of the day for no particular reason. This in itself is somewhat troubling; and a number of other problems have arisen as well, to wit:- All of the offices are disturbingly irregular polygons with no more than two parallel walls. Furnishings therefore fit in poorly if at all. Journalists seem worried when they talk to us and this, we think, is one reason why.
- We have counted no less than 29 large displays of Sting memorabilia on the walls of your offices - gold records, movie posters, album cover art, touching personal photos personalized by the Artist himself to various MSA personnel - and we fear that this shocking display has created a severe esthetic and hormonal imbalance in the MSA headquarters as a whole. After considering the problem at some length and in the light of our own exquisite sensitivity to the environmental disequilibrium, we conclude that the overwhelming preponderance of Sting art in your rooms must be offset by some appropriate countervaling influence if the imbalance is to be corrected. We have determined that the appropriate antidote would consist of comparable wall hangings featuring the artist Billy Joel. The Billy Joel materials must be similar in type and in quantity to the Sting stuff - do this at once and you and your employees will be okay, given some time for the correction to take hold. As an additional safety measure we recommend a small number of Don Henley pieces to be prominently displayed, say one per room - the Henley stuff serves as a buffer that helps to bind together the Sting energies and the Joel energies into a harmonious healing holistic whole, thus reinforcing the all-important themes of cosmic union and personal integrity. Also, we suggest that you continue to offset lunch orders from Zen Palate with similar-sized orders from Cosmic Coffee Shop (don't forget the extra pickles) so as to lock in the blending of the east-west vibes.
Now that we are moving into the phone interviews with European journalists, we find ourselves confronting an entirely different range of difficulties. Given the limited time and energy available for problem solving at this point we find ourselves drawn to the notion of some global solution that will correct most if not all of the annoyances with one simple precaution. Therefore we are wondering: is there any precedent for the notion that European journalists, particularly but not exclusively Scandinavian journalists, be required to take some sort of breathalyzer or blood alcohol test before they get on the phone with us? Note: UK journalists would of course be exempted from the testing. The last thing we want is to be on the line with some suddenly-all-too-sober Brit who has us to thank for his DT's.
One last thing: we show up, someone we've never seen or at least never noticed before, whose name we don't know, who very likely hates us and our music - some strange MSA stringer takes us to an office and plunks us down. Hours later some other Unidentified MSA Person asks us if we want drinks - later those drinks are brought in by some else altogether. Who are all these people? Why don't they like us? we don't even know. The point is, we understand full well that you, Mitsi, are busy running the joint and making arrangements and fixing things up for us so we can go on with these silly show biz careers of ours for a few more seasons. We accept that. But we need to work with a woman who is edgy, who is blonde and English, who has a man's first name, who is (we suspect) multiorgasmic - someone who knows what we are about and how to handle us during the course of a long grueling press day. So far as we can tell there is only one person in your office that fits that description. We need you-know-who and we need her all day long.
Update: Tuesday December 7, 1999 - a day that will live in infamy, no shit. We find ourselves shunted - no other word will suffice - into the smallest nastiest most geometrically irregular office in the whole MSA complex, the main wall decorations being two of the aforementioned Sting posters, one of which features a shot of Sting in white tie tails and brandishing a fork, flanked by none other than Allan Bates and Theresa Russell - this bit of filth touting some megabomb flick entitled "Gentlemen Don't Eat Poets". A couple of rhomboids west, on the other side of the tiny grimy window, is large framed sepia tone portrait of the barechested bard hisself with a personal inscription reading: "for Mitsi, with love - Michael-" is this the bastard's real name? " 5 - 11 - 98". That's it - we quit. Tomorrow's interviews, if they take place at all, will happen at the Intercontinental Hotel on Central Park South, dig?
DF & WB, A.K.A. "The Schmendricks of Null-B"