DEAR DR. KLAMM: One of the doormen/elevator operators in my building exhibits a number of troubling behavioral eccentricities. He hums loudly and tunelessly when people are in the elevator. You can even hear him from the hallway as the elevator goes past your floor. He sighs loudly and inappropriately. When he goes to open the door for a guest he slows down as he approaches the door so that the guest will overtake him and open the door themselves. He intercepts deliveries so as to cadge the tips. Plus, all the other doormen and elevator operators in the building are present/former art history majors and/or compulsive gamblers. The rent for my apartment is sky high. What gives? Is the elevator guy an epileptic, or what? -- Puzzled
DEAR PUZZLED: No worries, mate - you're a New Yorker now. Get used to it.
DEAR DR. KLAMM: I'm a big jazz fan and I'm looking for a really good Gene Ammons record. All the ones I've bought so far are just big jam sessions - mostly blues and rhythm changes with long run-on solos. The tuning is not so great either and it sounds like there might have been some heavy drinking involved. Got any suggestions? -- B Flat Benny
DEAR BENNY: I have two words for you - "Sonny Rollins". Doc says you won't be sorry.
DEAR DR. KLAMM: My wife and I have been waiting for the announcement of Steely Dan's touring plans for this summer. We are mondo fans from way back and we have quit our jobs so that we will be free to follow the band from city to city. Do you have any idea where they'll be playing? -- Nomadic Norm and Nancy
DEAR NORM & NANCY: Unfortunately, I have just received unassailable information to the effect that the band has no plans to tour this summer. Maybe you guys can get a job somewhere doing some freelance webwork until the boys are ready to hit the road again. That's what I did.
DEAR DR. KLAMM: I love my job but there's this guy in the office that is driving me crazy. Every time I say something clever in front of one of the ultra-sexy girls from the typing pool, he one-ups me by saying something smarter and funnier and I never know what to say or do. The other day I mentioned to Lanice that I could use a little more space in my cubicle - and Stan chimes in by saying that "space is the final frontier". Now it's three days later and Stan and Lanice are having a torrid affair - I just know it. What should I have said to have prevented this disaster? -- Unlucky in Love
DEAR UNLUCKY: According to Einstein, space is curved. In all probability you are not Lanice's type anyway. Next time you are upstaged by Stan or someone like him, I suggest you slug the offending showoff right in the kishkas. That will teach him to make you look like a chump. Good luck.
© 1999 Walter Becker and Donald Fagen: All Rights Reserved